68 THINGS I THINK I KNOW (I THINK)
Fantasy Dingo
The Broadstreet Gags are picking last in 2019.
Teams that pick last have never won the dome.
His keeper, Todd Gurley…has arthritis…of the knee.
Darrell Henderson, his backup, will not make it past the third round of this year’s draft.
The Broadstreet Gags do not have a pick in this year’s third round.
In a number of weeks last year, Todd Gurley scored the same number of points or fewer as…Jay Ajayi.
Jay Ajayi was recently seen at the Jacksonville Beach Waffle House at 4am…on a Tuesday morning.
Antonio Brown’s pre-season footwork…is on fire.
Melvin Gordon will not be drafted in the first round of this week’s draft.
He will go on to start 16 games for the winner of this league, and will finish as a top 5 running back.
Derrius Guice will remain injury free for the entire season…
…but unfortunately, will lose the starting running back position to Adrian Peterson, in Week 3.
Adrian Peterson will rush for 1,200 yards this year.
Neither of FCKD’s keepers, A.J. Green and Zeke Elliott, will suit up in weeks 1, 2…or 3. Or 4, 5, 6, 7, or 8 through 16.
Leonard Fournette will be a top 5 running back this year.
T.Y. Hilton will not be a top 20 wide receiver this year.
The top wide receiver on the Indianapolis Colts will be…Devin Funchess.
Jay Ajayi will sign with the Los Angeles Rams…after Todd Gurley suffers a season-ending knee injury on his first “comeback” snap in Week 4.
He will be a fairly competent back up…to Darrell Henderson.
Julio Jones is a better wide receiver than Antonio Brown…because he still has feet.
By the end of the 2020 season, Mike Evans will not be receiving throws from Crab Legs. He will be catching them from old mate Johnny Manziel.
Manziel, with a current ADP of Undrafted in Yahoo Standard Drafts, will finish as a top 10 QB for the final six games of the season.
Odell Beckham Jnr will have a very successful year at the Cleveland Browns…from a football perspective.
From a fantasy perspective, he will consistently cede touchdowns to the rushing prowess…of Baker Mayfield.
He will do this to boost the confidence of his QB, a cla$$y veteran move.
Despite the fact that OBJ will go down with a soft tissue injury in Week 6, the Browns will go on to win the division.
Juju Smith-Schuster will get frostbite trying to outdo Antonio Brown in the cryo chamber. He will lose 3 toes on his left foot, but keep all his toes on his right foot. However, he will not be able to feel those toes.
Cousin Dan will break a pattern of three successive dreadful drafts…
…by not even drafting at all in 2019 (he will be passed out, drunk, on Jager bombs and Bud Lite, and miss the draft altogether).
Cousin Dan’s autodraft will be just good enough for him to miss the playoffs again this year.
Did I mention…that OBJ…will go down with a soft tissue injury in week 6.
BDP will not draft Saquon Barkley with the first pick.
Instead, he will agree to a monster trade offer to move back a number of spots in the first round (total number still to be seen: the Dingo is hearing that there are multiple trade offers on the table for the first pick).
Even with this wealth of draft picks, BDP will miss the playoffs in 2019.
A.J. Green…will not play football in 2019.
Ezekiell Elliott…will never play football again.
Instead, he will become a surf instructor and cocktail waitress in Baja, Mexico.
Patrick Mahomes…will regress in 2019. He will still be the #1 QB in fantasy football, but not by much…
…because hot on his heels…will be a resurgent Aaron Rodgers.
Aaron Rodgers will throw for 40 TDs in new head coach Peter Le Fleur’s duck/dive/dodge/dodge offense.
His favorite target will not be Davante Adams…
…it will be…Equanimeous St. Brown…
…I believe I spelt that correctly.
Speaking of hot heels (see 40)…did I mention Antonio Brown already?
(I believe I did.)
The top 5 fantasy quarterbacks in 2019 will be (in order)…Patrick Mahomes; Aaron Rodgers; Deshaun Watson; Jared Goff; and Tom Brady.
Tom Brady will be drafted third by Kurt Warner’s Wife, who will be drafting while sitting in a jacuzzi, on a yacht, with a satellite phone, 100 miles off the coast of…Mar a Lago.
Le’Veon Bell will hold out again from the first 5 weeks of the Jets season.
It will be unsure what exactly he’s waiting for, but Bell will go back to work after he receives a visit in the middle of the night from Alf.
Speaking of Alf, Alf Morris will start all 16 games for the Dallas Cowboys in 2019…
…because, as previously mentioned, Zeke Elliott will choose a life of barrels and carols over a life of football (his cocktail waitress gig is at a Christmas-themed bar in Baja called “Santa’s Little Surfer”).
With their pick in the first round, the Broadstreet Gags will take…Zach Ertz.
With their pick in the second round, the Broadstreet Gags will take…Julian Edelman.
With their pick in the third round, the Broadstreet Gags will take…no one, because they traded that pick to FCKD.
FCKD…will FCK that third round pick. Badly.
With his first round pick, Scotty will take an eighth of Bubba Kush, two wax-laced pre-rolls, three 10mg snickerdoodle cookies, and 4 cartridge refills for his pen.
He will be found asleep later that night in the bathrooms of...Sassy’s.
Despite a lot of trash talk from fake football pundits, Daddy T will finish the year as a top 5 wide receiver.
The other wide receivers in the top 5 this year (in no particular order) will be Julio Jones; Keenan Allen; Stefon Diggs; and Julian Edelman.
Juju Smith-Schuster…is not on this list.
Rub a Dub Dub Nick Chubby Chubb Chubb will start the year strong for the Browns…but don’t forget that John Dorsey, has a penchant, for, bad boys.
Chubbster will be a top 5 running back in the first 8 weeks…
…and a top 35 running back in the last 8 weeks.
The Broadstreet Gags will be voted “Worst Draft” by Yahoo ratings…again.
The Ewbengals will draft two quarterbacks in the first five rounds…
Bodhi Bradshark will have a gif filmed of him taking an entire Bud Lite again…only this time, in his keister…
…and The Mule will rebound from his green-out to go back to back and win the whole thing all over again in December.