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EXCLUSIVE: CREAM FRANCHISE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO LEAVE AUSTIN, RELOCATE TO CHICAGO; FANS REVOLT, BURN NUGS IN PROTEST

Fantasy Dingo

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Austin, TX: In news sure to shake up the Thrill offseason, FantasyDingo.com can exclusively reveal that the Créme de la Nug franchise intends to leave Austin, TX, and relocate to Chicago, IL, in time for the start of the 2019 Thrill season.

The move threatens to lead to even more calls to redraft the current gerrymandered draft regions that have been specifically designed to give preferential treatment to Texas residents. It will also gut the city of Austin from much needed economic support in its sporting, hospitality and indoor horticultural industries.

“The city of Chicago approached the Cream franchise during the Arctic blast,” team owner Nuggsy No-No told FantasyDingo.com. “The temperature was -19 at the time the deal was confirmed. My balls were like raisins. I loved the feeling, just loved it. Tiny things, shriveled up. Tremendous stuff. And the opportunity to bring a Dome to that frozen hellscape was just too much to pass up.”

Perennial Thrill finalist and loser Adam Risman provided his perspective on the decision. “For the good people of Chicago, watching the Toe pack his team’s bags in the dead of night, relocate the franchise to Northwest Arkansas of all places AND win a dome was devastating,” Risman said. “(It’s) akin to what the people of St Louis are experiencing with the Rams this Super Bowl Sunday. I would love to see the Cream rise and bring the good people of Chicago the TTIG team and TITLE it deserves.”

League Champion Scott Tamul, former Chicago resident, could not be reached for comment. He is missing, presumed dead, at a remote chicken factory in eastern Arkansas.

In related news, sources tell FantasyDingo.com that this may not be the only relocation happening this offseason. Cousin Dan is also predicted to be moving back into his parents’ basement while awaiting trial over a terrible Delta Phi frat scandal involving brother Jimmy, a mistimed keg stand, and a too-tight wrastling singlet (more to come as this story emerges).

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