Thrill League Mock Draft: Who Do Y'All Like This Weekend?

A mock is just that: mock. Fake. Pretend. Make believe. 

Or is it? 

This year, the editors at Dingo Sports have taken the liberty to mock out the first round of this weekend's long-awaited Thrill Draft VI - Milwaukee Thrill Fest (aka "Pabst Pabst Baby"). The mock is aimed to accurately predict the order in which players will be taken on Saturday, while also getting inside the head of certain franchises who are prone to second-guess themselves. 

To be clear: this is not how I would pick. This is who the Dingo Sports algorithm predicts these individual franchises are most likely to take. 

Round 2 to follow if I get motivated enough before Saturday. 

ROUND 1: 

Pick 1: BK Comedy Fest 2K17: LeSean McCoy, RB, Buffalo Bills
With the first pick in the 2017 Thrill Draft, BK Comedy Fest takes a seemingly safe high-volume, high-floor option in LeSean McCoy. But is it that safe after all? Consider this: Buffalo has a new offensive coordinator. McCoy has plenty of miles on the legs. And the power and aura of Rex Ryan is no longer in Buffalo (last seen in Tampa of all places). 

Beware, BK Comedy Fest; unlike getting lucky at a Females Only private party, drafting Shady in 2017 is no sure thing. 

Pick 2: Creamy Nuggs: Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots
Biggsy Baby is more than likely having some serious heartburn over this pick right now, but we all know just how much Nugs loves Tom. So much so that he'll gladly reach for a QB in this spot when he clearly needs an RB. Creamy Nuggs, I do hope you enjoy your starting RB pairing of Terrance West and Rob Kelley! 

Pick 3: Spike Hill 4EVA: Jay Ajayi, RB, Miami Dolphins
Still so difficult to pronounce this guy's name. Nevertheless, Spike Hill takes Ajayi (a-jay-ai? jay-a-jay-ai? Could that be it?) with the third pick on the back of his 3 x 200 yard games last year. Don't forget, though, that outside of those three games, he looked a bit like a piece of dogshit attached to your shoe. Risky shit to pick this guy at number 3, risky fucking shit. 

Pick 4: The Broadstreet Gags: Kareem Hunt, RB, Kansas City Chiefs
THE FIRST SURPRISE/GENUINELY BAD PICK OF THE DRAFT. And so predictable that it comes from the Gags! K-Hunt fever reaches smokey levels with the Gags reaching up to take him fourth overall. I don't like the pick myself, because: a) I think he's unproven, b) I'd take either Freeman or Murray over an unproven rook like this, and c) I think they're gonna sprinkle a fair bit of CHARK in with this K-Hunt stew. But hey, Gags gonna Gag. 

Pick 5: Bodhi Bradshart: DeMarco Murray, RB, Tennessee Titans
The Bradsharts, dressed only in a snorkel and drafting from a fish tank, takes high-volume, high-power, high-injury-risk running back DeMarco Murray with the fifth pick. After choking a little in his first ten seconds on the clock (from remnant snorkel water or laughter from the Gags previous pick, we can't be sure), he locks in a pretty straightforward pick, as well as a guaranteed reach for Derrick Henry in the fifth round. 

Pick 6: The Ewbungals: Joe Mixon, RB, Cincinnati Bengals
HOMER ALERT. HOMER ALERT. Just think about it: what do the Ewbengals truly love? I'll tell you: they love watching Bengals football. They love mediocre running backs who operate in committees (see: Jeremy Hill). And they love defending players with questionable personal backgrounds (see: BURFICT STRANGERS). All of this rolls into their perfect round one pick in Mixon: and two rookie RBs off the Thrill board by pick 6.  

Pick 7: Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A.D.I.C.: Devonta Freeman, RB, Atlanta Falcons
The kid falls on his own face and shits gold into a cup again! Then sells the gold after a North Korea missile launch for an inflated price on the global exchange! Thanks to a couple of rookie reaches, Freeman falls to poop at pick 7. Now, I have my fears about Freeman's durability and the presence of Tevin Coleman, but at this point in the draft, this is an absolute steal. 

Pick 8: Adam's Second Team: Christian McCaffrey, RB, Carolina Panthers
Go with me here. Indulge me for a moment. Now, let's just say for a second -- FOR A SECOND -- that, hypothetically speaking -- HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING -- Cousin Dan is a real person. I know, I know, it's a huge reach. BUT IF HE IS. There is NO WAY -- NO WAY -- that a flash-in-the-pan, fancy, white-running-back, Stanford boy, showpony, PRETENDER like Christian fucking McCaffrey gets past him. This is a CLASSIC Cousin Dan pickup. DAN LOVES OVERRATED WHITE RBs. LOVES fancy running backs. LOVES guys who are gonna get split in two by a Kam Chancellor/Earl Thomas sandwich. Juke that, Stanford fella. This guy's overrated. 

Side note: I was floating on Lake Washington this weekend with SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD when he started to wax lyrical about McOverrated's leg speed and step. "Did you see him juke Luke Kuechly at training?" It was fucking gross. I almost vomited all over FCKD's inflatable peacock. 

Pick 9: The Dummy Cums: Michael Thomas, WR, New Orleans Saints
Finally, another semi-decent pick. For all the shit I give Cums about his hats and failure to actually finish out a season like a man, he's no moron. Michael Thomas is gonna put up 1,250 yards and 12 TDs this season, with Drew Brees slangin' it like the 2am - 8am head chef at the Jacksonville Beach Waffle House. A great value pick at #9. Early round WRs are underrated in this league. Mediocre RBs are overrated in this league. USE YOUR FUCKING HEADS, PEOPLE. 

Pick 10: SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD: Leonard Fournette, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars
ANOTHER FUCKING TERRIBLE ROOKIE PICK THIS FIRST ROUND IS A DISASTER LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL. FCKD FCKS HS PCK - WHT (A) SRPRS!

Here are a few things going against Fournette: he's got a banged up foot already. He's had plenty of hard yards put on his body through college. And the guy handing him the ball is either Blake Fucking Bortles, or CHAD FUCKING HENNE. STACK THE BOX, ANY OPPONENT. Blake will be under so much pressure he'll feel like an orange in the crush machine at the Lemon Bar. Fournette is a terrible, terrible pick -- his odds of succeeding in the NFL became 10,000,000/1 the moment he was drafted by the Jags -- and the decision to draft him will haunt the SMTHRD franchise. 

Pick 11: Brix Gloryhole: Doug Baldwin, WR, Seattle Seahawks
Phew! An opportunity for my heart to slow down a moment. Seriously, if this order of players actually happens on Saturday I will probably shit my pants and be kicked out of the bar for shitting my pants. Dougy Fresh is a great high floor, high volume, low-ish upside pick here for the Brix Gloryhole. Prediction here is that he takes Doug, goes to take a quick dump, falls asleep on the toilet and autodrafts the remainder of the draft. 

Pick 12: Thunder Down Blunder: T.Y. Hilton, WR, Indianapolis Colts
The Blunder stops laughing long enough to take another high-volume, lowish-upside receiver here. I like the combination of pairing this kind of volume with the erratic qualities of Brandin Cooks; I don't like the fact that Scott Tolzien may be throwing to this guy for a decent CHNK of the season. 

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