2017 Thrill League Keeper Predictions

Football is BACK. Dingo is BACK. Thrill League is BACK -- and still one of the most mediocre leagues in the country. 

The second year of keeper rules kick in this year, so it's time to make some bold predictions about who's keeping whom and why. 

Let's remember who these turkeys decided to keep last year: 

The Ewbungals - Jordy Nelson
Broadstreet Gags - Todd Gurley
Bodhi Bradshart - Dez Bryant
Brix Gloryhole - Aaron Rodgers
Creamy Nugs - Julio Jones
The Dummy Cums - David Johnson
Adam's Second Team - Odell Beckham Jnr
Spike Hill 4Eva - Travis Kelce
Autodraft BK Comedy Fest - Cam Newton
Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A. D.I.C. - Antonio Brown
SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD - AJ Green
Thunder Down Blunder - Jamaal Charles

Here's a grade for how each of those keepers are looking a year on from selections, along with some descriptive prose: 

The Ewbungals - Jordy Nelson C+ (OLD) 
Broadstreet Gags - Todd Gurley C+ (OVERRATED, BAD TEAM)
Bodhi Bradshart - Dez Bryant B- (HURT TOO MUCH)
Brix Gloryhole - Aaron Rodgers B- (BAD MECHANICS)
Creamy Nugs - Julio Jones B+ (IF HE STAYS HEALTHY AND WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?!)
The Dummy Cums - David Johnson A (BEAUTIFUL)
Adam's Second Team - Odell Beckham Jnr A- (BEAUTIFUL PONY)
Spike Hill 4Eva - Travis Kelce C (WHAT WAS THIS GUY THINKING?)
Autodraft BK Comedy Fest - Cam Newton B- (NO ONE LIKES THIS GUY) 
Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A. D.I.C. - Antonio Brown A (A REAL THING OF BEAUTY)
SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD - AJ Green B (HIT AND MISS) 
Thunder Down Blunder - Jamaal Charles D (SAD!)

Keepers are due August 19th, so let's now go ahead and look at who each team might keep. I've made a single prediction for each franchise, but in a couple of cases, team owners are in a position where, like Bodhi Bradshart, they could truly swing in a bunch of different directions. Remember: this is who these franchises will pick, not who they should pick. 

The Ewbungals - Jordy Nelson // Jarvis Landry
The Bungals will start the draft with their WR core established as two mediocre talents guaranteed to provide zero excitement all season long. This pair will end the year with a combined average of 19.7 pts a game. 

Broadstreet Gags - Todd Gurley // Allen Robinson
The Gags project to add Gag homer and favorite Allen Robinson to their squad, turning down the opportunity to keep Russell Wilson and forget about their QB woes for two seasons. I like Robinson, but the QB situation at The Lemon Bar has gotta have this franchise fearing for any Jacksonville WRs future. 

Bodhi Bradshart - Dez Bryant // LeVeon Bell
Sure, the guy hasn't reported to training camp, but that's something the Bradsharts can relate to: rumor has it that the franchise owner once sat out from going to work for 69 straight weeks. 

Brix Gloryhole - Aaron Rodgers // Jay Ajayi
Is he worried at all about the QB/offense situation in Miami? Does he have trust in Smoking Jay? Is he still sitting on the toilet, asleep, at Brix? Will he be arrested in Milwaukee, on on the Friday night in Chicago? The franchise has a number of offseason questions still to answer, but I think he goes Ajayi here. 

Creamy Nugs - Julio Jones // Mike Evans
If these two stay healthy, this is straight out fucking terrifying and should have everyone questioning the two-keeper league situation. This is like Durant taking less money to keep the Warriors together. Some real bullshit here. 

The Dummy Cums - David Johnson // Marcus Mariota
CONTROVERSIAL, but I think Marcus makes The Cums hot under the collar. Cums likes nothing more than a progressive gamble on a Hawaiian prince in an Indian Summer. Also, the rest of his inherited roster is dogshit. 

Adam's Second Team - Odell Beckham Jnr // Jordan Howard
We know this to be a fact because "Dan" texted it into the commish yesterday. Looking forward to "meeting" "Dan" in "Milwaukee." 

Spike Hill 4Eva - Travis Kelce // Amari Cooper
Only because there are no other Chiefs on this franchise's roster. Jamaal Charles is available for trade if for some reason you still think he's on the Chiefs. 

Autodraft BK Comedy Fest - Cam Newton // DeMarco Murray
Or whomever Yahoo automatically picks as his keeper. For the record, I have DeMarco penciled in for 3 games, 69 yards, 2 fumbles (1 returned for TD) this year so this would not be my pick of a second keeper. 

Michael Bluth Jnr M.B.A. D.I.C. - Antonio Brown // Devonta Freeman
It's either Devonta, Gronk, or the kid finds a way to trade 69,000 fully franked Biodyne options for the corpse of Andrew Luck before Saturday. Will be interested to see how Fig's Newly Acquired Business Acumen (henceforth known as NABA) impacts his strategy throughout the season. 

SMTHRD, CVRD & FCKD - AJ Green // Ezekiel Elliot
Bonus prediction: he then takes Joe Mixon in the first round to paper up his RB core's shortcomings for the first six weeks of the season. SMH, FCKD. S. M. H. 

Thunder Down Blunder - Jamaal Charles // LeSean McCoy
Only to put this franchise in exactly the same position it is in today, in a year (that is to say, fucked). 

There you have it. Comments below or on text chain, stay tuned for updates.